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Remember that time? When you loved me?
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2006.12.08 20.39
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Everyone who talks about what a huge impact the "freshman experience" has on one's life has really made an understantement compared to what I've been through the past few months. I went through quite possibly the messiest break-up recorded in history, took a leave of absense from school, forgot to eat for a week, had to go to the hospitol and get 3 iv's due to lack of nutrition, had my weight watched by a doctor until I got fat again, was perscribed with depression and severe anxiety, skipped half my classes, slept half the time and cried more than I laughed. A looong haaard road. With a life altering outcome. As hardheaded as I am, it took all of that plus a myriad of other events for me to realise how extremely dependant I am. On having a boyfriend, on my parents, my freinds, my sister, anyone. And after months f depression and wallowing, I finally stood up and fought myself and pushed myself into indepenance. Or at least a light leading to independance. And I may faulter in the future, but I will never go back to who I once was.
Today was my last day of classes at Salve and the first day I have actually felt comfertable and...happy. YES! Happy and Salve Regina used in the same sentence by one, Lauren Kathleen Brown. I actually got dressed, makeupped, went to all classes, and communicated with a cheery disposition with my fellow Salvites! I was hit on twice. My friend Chris and I decided we were r unning away to Disney together junior year. I laughed and joked with my Seeking Wisdom class and actually felt like myself. I went to breakfast AND lunch. I went to financial aid all by myself. Theese things may not seem like big things but for me, it's the most progress I've made in a loooong time. And it felt damn good.
On top of that I've made steps to ensure my future experiences would be different and better. I contacted the leaders of every group I want to join at UMASS dartmouth, I job hunted, made a list of ten goals, bought a LOT of stuff to completely make over my room with things made entirely by ME, closed out my salve account. Everything I should have done a long time ago.
All in all this entry is for me. But I'm proud of it and everything in it which is why it is public. HEllo World Here I come!!!
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2006.12.06 19.43
Today I discovered I would eternally be a superfan of the Nanorc. And it makes me happy :)
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2006.10.04 09.27
I have a cold so Ive been taking Tylenol cold nighttime and daytime medicinces.
I have extreme anxiety so Ive been taking massive dosses of adavain.
I havent eaten really in four days.
I'm feeling dizzy and sick.
My heart hurts like nothing I've ever known. and I just want to cry all the time. When is this going to get better?
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2006.09.29 23.46
First Friday I decide to spend in Newport and I get a call saying Eric had to get rushed to the hospitol. Fuck you, Karma
I need to get home to Eric NOW
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2006.09.10 23.39
how to get home on every day of the week :)
Monday:
ME;
class 9:30- 10:20
11:30-12:20
1:00- 2:15
2:30- 3:20
show mom all sheudals into cranston from newport and see if she can pick me up at a certain area
Eric;
class 9-2
Tuesday:
get in by 9
ME;
10:00- 11:15
11:30-12:45
Eric;
9-2
Eric comes and visits from 3 till 9ish
Wednesday:
get in by 9
Me;
8-8:50
9:30- 10:20
11:30- 12:20
1:00-2:15
Eric; 1-2
work 5-9
show mom all sheudals into cranston from newport and see if she can pick me up at a certain area
Thursday:
ME;
10:00- 11:15
11:30-12:45
Eric;
9-950,
11-12:50
Eric comes and visits 2 till late
Friday:
Me;
9:30-10:20
11:30-12:20
Eric;
11-11:50
HOme: Eric picks me up around 1 ish
THEN he works 5-9
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2006.08.29 16.34
My Schedule: Eric's Schedule:
Monday
9:30- 10:20 9:00-9:50
11:30-12:20 11:00-11:50
1:00- 2:15 12-12:50
2:30- 3:20 1-1:50
Tuesday
10:00- 11:15 see monday :(
11:30-12:45
Wednesday
8-8:50 1-1:50
9:30- 10:20
11:30- 12:20
1:00-2:15
Thursday
see Tuesday! 9-950, 11-12:50
Friday
9:30-10:20 11-11:50
11:30-12:20
Mood:  loved
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2006.08.21 14.19
So today was suposed to be the day I went back to work for the first time in over a week and I had to call in sick. I felt so bad. But belive me, no one wants me to make them sandwiches while I'm sick like this. Gross. I supose it's probably because I've hardly slept or ate for a few days now because I'm been constantly busy. As soon as I got home from Florida I had to run around getting stuff for my party and then I scooted over to Liz's sister's wedding. It was amazing. Her dress was made of spanish lace I belive and it was the most gorgous dress I have ever seen in my entire life. I almost cried. It's strangr because I don't think I ever felt like crying at my own cousin's weddings. Maybe it's because I know that it means I'm growing up. As if I needed another reminder. After the ceramony I had to go babysit and spoiled dog for a few hours then I went home and made party favors for a really long time. I had my party the next day and i had to do some running around before hand. Allin all it was awesome and I had so much fun. You never realize how much you miss people until you see them again. It makes me feel guilty that I hadnt called Ben lately. But it was nice to see him again. The next day I woke up to my mom and my sister fighting. For some reason my mom's been acting very strangely lately and she's been taking out most of it on my sister. I cant help but wonder if it's because I'm leaving soon. If it is, I feel bad that it's all coming out on my sister. Anywyas, we all pretended nothing happended and went out to brunch at Chardonnay's for my dad's 50th birthday. He's afraid of getting old. Then we came home and he opened his presents and I left to go to Summerslam. Eric, Katie, Seven, Mark, Mikey, and I crammed into a car and drove to Boston where I proceeded to see Carlito beat up Rob Conway. Also we went to a pizza place where I had a spit ball fight with Mark, who aparently, got bored with ignoring me. So yay. Which I totally won. The spit ball fight that is. We met Kevin, JR, Shaina, a kid named David, and Bobby there. Im going to miss a lot of them. Then as we were leaving I saw Booker T ( the world heavyweight champion) leaving in his car. It was a good time. good music. good friends.
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2006.08.17 22.05
wooo sa
I am staying up as late as i can tonight and just basking in all that is the after glow of an amazing vacation. During this vacaiton I read my mandatory Salve reading entitled "The Question of God" which basically examines what life is about, what death is about for a beliver and a non-beliver, and also about love and it's different stages. As I was flying home I got to a certain part in the book which explained to me something I have always know but never conciously accepted. And now, for some reason, I am perfectly at peace with eevry relationship I have had in my life, friends, family, boyfriends, and animals included. It described the different kinds of love one should feel for each and that made me feel normal. IT also confirmed for me that being part of a grop of friends because they are th e"in" crowd is probably the least fullfilling relationships you could ever acheive. Which I have always know but couldnt help regretting as a little girl. And then I read a quote by C.S. Lewis which really helped me to confirm something I have always confused, as stupid as it may seem.
Being IN LOVE is quite differewnt from feeling love for that one person. Being in love is the premier stage of a relationship and is actually unhealthy if sustained ovr a long period of time. It's that cant eat cant sleep feeling that everyone feels "during the chase". In every relationship I've been in, I've always felt a deep loss when this stage was over. IT's probably why I broke up with Mike over and over. Or why I ever dated Jerry int he first place (since I knew he would only stick around until that feeling left anyway). However, with Eric I realised that I had a GOOD MAN (not that I hadnt in the past) and that fleeting feeling was not the only love. Once that feeling leaves, you're still in love with your significant other, but it's a more comfertable and REAL love. After I read that I just kind of sat and realized how truely happy I would be if I could spend the rest of my life with him.
Yeah so anyway,
I left on friday and spent most of the day at the aeroport. Then I met Eric's aunt and uncle, Gale and Chef Immondi. They are wonderful people. They have a beautiful house and garden and three wonderful little puppies, Sam, Annie, and Sergio. We went to Craker Barrel for dinner that night and got settled in at the house. Eric and I got to share a bed and it was as close to sleeping on a cloud as any matress could get. We stayed up really late acting like little kids and telling secrets. Then on Saturday we went shopping and then went out to dinner with thier friend from Italy who was incredibly interesting and we stayed at the restaurant for like three hourse just listening to his stories. Sunday we went to a movie then to this girls 21st b-day party. Eric and I snuck away for a bit and took a walk on the beach. When I came back this really cute old man asked me all about college and my life and such which was strange b/c Im not used to small talk with strangers but he was sweet. Mondaythrough Wednesday Eric and I got to stay in a suite right on the beach all by ourselves. It was strange sleeping in the same bed and waking up in our own little apartment area and such. For some reason I couldnt get over how safe I felt..just being with him. Monday we walked the beach and bit then ate the best chicken parm ever while watching RAW. Afterwards we took a walk ont he beach and got invited to drink beer with some strangers. We politely declined and they didnt seem offended so I decided they were good people. lol I didnt want to pass them again to to get to the hotel room so I made Eric go with me all the way around the suites (which was quite a ways) to get back to our rooms. The next day we did some shopping and went swimming for quite a while during the day. I got tan which never happens and got hit on by some random boys who were convinced the boy I was kissing was my brother. Theres some Southern logic for ya. That night Eric and I went back the room and watched ECW. Then we went to the arcade and played fun games then walked down to Cayote Ugly where I decided I want to work. They didn't dance dirty. They danced like cow girls. Therefore, whats better than a job dancing where you get tips and your not being a whore? Nothing, thats what. lol We finally went back to the room and collapsed on the bed and woke up early the next morning for check out. Then we went roller blading where we were the absolute only ones in the whole entire rink. It was so much fun.
Thursday we ate breakfast and Chef's restaurant and headed back to the air port. And now I'm home! All in all, I had a great time.
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2006.07.30 13.45
its hot!
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2006.07.24 20.38
So I had a really good monday today...I went to drop off Kels at her boyfriends really early in the morning and then got a call from my Lizzie! So it was actually a good thing I had to drop Kels off b/c if I hadnt, I would have missed the call that led to my being a beach bum today. The waves were huge and we sun bathed and jumped in the water and I need to wear sun block from now on. lol Then I went to work and worked by myself for an hour and then Robin showed up. She was very nice to me and told me lots of things I already knew but it was okay because it was amusing. I have to say Im started to like working with her. After work I went to Eric's and watched RAW and acted quiet and got ignored by the MArk. Actually not the best part of the day. Eric's not really helping with that situation ither, even though it's his fault and I did nothing to provoke the hatred. Yeah, I fixed that afterwards. I definitly bought 15 cookies to get on the guy's good side and Eric didnt even tell him! And I couldnt because he is ignoring me at the moment so he wouldnt hear the words coming out of my mouth. There was never any baggage with my other boyfriends. I was never expected to instantly get along with each and every one of thier friends and aquiantances just because. And it's really hard to do that now when Eric feels the need to tell Mark thing not meant for him to hear. But whatever. That was my mini rant .I really did have a good day today. I missed my liz!
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2006.06.30 20.58
I am so extrodinarily happy.
Thank you summer :)
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2006.06.23 14.44
Soo I went to orientation, and it didn't suck. There were a lot of lectures and the whole first few hours of generating friends out of thin air kind of sucked but my group was really good and hit it off pretty well.
We played fun games which I enjoyed but I didn't tell anyone that I did because all the cool kids were saying they were dumb. Oh well. My OL was incredibly ditzy and her favorite word was "like" but all in all she was chill.
Did anyone else go on a yacht for thier orientation? Cuz that was cool.
At night,
We had to make up a dance as a team and perform it in front of the other groups later on. A lot of groups just kind of clapped and stuff but my group got really into it and it ended up being the best part of the whole two day schpeil(speil?). We brainstormed dance moves for about 30 minutes and put it all together and we came out on top. There was no actual winner...but we all know :)
I was one of three Laurens at only one of five orientations.
It think the scariest thing is that a lot of people there are really rich and stuff and I'm...not. A lot of them sail and go to country clubs and such and that's just not how I roll. We played this one game where we had to stand in the middle of a circle and say one thing we liked or one experience we've had and anyone who had done that before gave you a high five. IThere were actually two guys in my group who watched it too. I was excited.
There were 11 other people in my group, 7 other girls and 4 guys. Which is pretty much the ratio at Salve. bummer. oh well...it actually kind of seems that despite the lack of y chromasomes, the ones we have are pretty nifty :) Plus, I have a boyfriend. So there.
My roomate was really nice. We stayed up way too late talking about random things. I kind of wish we had exchanged info cuz she was really easy to get along with and I don't think I'd mind having her as a roomate permanantly. She didn't want to live in a double, though. anyway It could also be good to start out fresh in September.
However, on a completely irrelevant and un-acted-upon note, one of the boys in my group bared a distinct resemblance to Johnathan Taylor Thomas. He had muscles out to Wisconson. Hellllloooo
Mood: cheerful
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2006.06.22 04.45
I have orientation today! And I'm kind of nervous, but excited. :) I'm glad I chose to play soccer again because I've already been in contact with several girls who are also trying out for the team. One of them even said she hasn't been playing for a while just like me. So that makes me feel a lot better.
AND I got a puppy. She's 12 weeks old and she's a yellow lab and shes Adoreable and is so loving it's incredible. She and HAzel are already best friends. It's so cute to watch them. Her name is Sasha and I love love love her :)
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2006.06.14 05.39
So Salve's orientation? There is a mini cruise involved. I wonder if I know what I'm gettingmyself into. I'm just hoping everyone there is classic college kid broke because I know I sure as hell will be.
Oh yeah, and I can get married for free (or I should say after the $100,000 we dump into my tuition over the next 4-5 years) in the school's church which is amazing. The door has mermaid handles. <3 Some crazy tour guide ina lime green shirt was telling me about this. He was really funny. He said the waiting list was booked up to two years in advance so if I thought he and I had a future we should sign up right now. If everyone at Salve is like the few I've met already I think I'm going to the time of my life. Anyways after my little mini Salve tour I went to IHOP and informed the waitor there was no such thing as too much chocolate. When he brought out my chocolate chip pancakes the plate was COVERED in chocolate. This is why it pays to be nice to the waitors. They will double your chocolate. He kept coming over and asking how it was and I could tell he was very proud of his cocolate concoction.
I'm not sure what this entry is about but I think I'll keep it anyway.
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2006.05.28 16.22
So talk about feeling like shit. I did the stupidest thing yesterday. And you know what? It wad the first impulse buy of like my entire life and I learned why I always contemplate that $2.OO pair of earing for ten minutes before I buy them. You want to read this just to see how disgusting I am.
So Eric and my one year is coming up and I wanted to get him soething incredibly special. I've beenthinking a lot about it and I narrowed it down to either the complete set of Wrestlemanias (which was like 200 dollars) or a ferret. Which he told me he was allowed to have. Well, I think you know which one I picked. I mean, how could a set of DVDs get me in trouble.
I went to petco yesterday to price check everything and wound up fallingin love with this one ferret we later named Rascal. I bought him. I bought him and the whole fucking ferret supply section. It cost me almost 300 dollars. But it was worth it. Eric keeps talking about how lonely he's going tobe next year because both I and his best friend Mark are going away to college and Jon is going back to North Carolina for more training then off to the Iraw coast for an indeterminate amount of time. I was so excited to give it to him. He was so excited to get it. We spent the night falling in love with him and setting up his cage and letting him explore the room he was suposed to call home for the next few years. This morning we went to his house to lpay with him some more and to show himt o Eric's parents. They aparently changed thier mind on the Eric getting a ferret thing when it happened that he actually got one. Yeah. BTW I hate his step mom. She's probably the biggest drunken bitch you'll ever meet.
Anyway the final death toll:
Rascall is back at petco AND in QUARENTINE for 72 hours!
Lauren has royally pissed off the inlaws
She is also out about 160 dollars
Eric is severely depressed and looking for a new home
Lauren is horrified to have created such turmoil in the life of Eric and his parents. Even if the step mother is a drunken bitch.
I was one of those stupid peopole who give animals as pets. I know this is a bad idea and yet I decided to gow tih my impulse. For the first time in forever. Never doing that again
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2006.05.25 13.59
everyone in my life needs to become LAIDBACK. I don't deal with with uptight shit. Which is porbably why my mother and I bash heads a lot. I'm sorry, but a crumb on the floor is hardly worth a shouting fest.
Why is it that we, as people, put such value on certain things and create so much tumult if it is disrupted? Afterwards we all know its more worth it to just take a deep breath and not let it bother us. Sometimes, you must stand your ground. But mostly people just want to take something out on others.
STRESS RELEASE
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2006.05.22 14.35
its monday again
I went to a drama meeting today and all the feelings I had onthe last night of the show came rushing back and in a way I hated it. I don't want to miss anything or feel nostalgic. That's part of the reason why I scrapbook. I put a memory down in a book and color it pretty and then it's done. I have it forever. I'm just scared I'm going to forget everything I loved so much because LOVE is what I live for.
On that same note, I went to Eric's after school today because RCW was filming their VERY FIRST episode. My pookie is very talented :)But it felt strange because for the first time I felt like a really fit in. I've always been a very shy person, but it gets even worse around Eric's friends because I want them to like me so much for his sake. Today that happened and I feel very content right now.
nostalgic and content.
then I came home and my mother had a crappy day at work/was pissed off b-cuz we got our house cleaned today and yet its not clean. So she tells me her story for what seemed like forever and then she bitched me out. So she feels great now. I, on the other hand, feel like crap. Every fucking time she has stress it alllll comes out on me.
nostalgic, content, and crappy.
That's how I feel right now.
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2006.05.15 15.54
I only like rainy days when I have someone to share them with.
I started writing today. It's a rare occasion when I actualy feel inspired to write AND I have a storyline that I would actually think is worth pursuing. So I wrote for like 3 hours today and I think I'm actually going to finish this thing, little by little. I love writing and everytime I get back into it I get frustrated that I've put if off for so long.
I'm going tux shopping tommorow!
mmm tuesdays
Mood:  accomplished
Music: Do you want my love?
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2006.05.14 15.53
One more thing to add to the growing list of reasons Idon't like myspace is that it gives people an ego boost who already have enough of one. Like, they take pictures, purposely for myspace, purposely trying to look sexy and section-like and then post them. Then boys urge this behavior by giving them some outrageous comment like "damn gurl yu da hottest gurl Ive eva seen let's get married". It especially bothers me when the pictures are ugly and people still pretend they're not. Just a little something I noticed lately.
I had a great weekend. The kind of weekend that reminded me just exactly why I'm in love. It was all rainy and stuff but I didn't care at all. Eric took me out to get ice cream Friday AND Saturday night. I love sundaes at friendlys. We played monopoly and just went driving for no reason and talked about lots of deep things. I think thats one of the biggest reasons why I love him. We can have stupid conversation about how much we love eachother , or just talk about our days, or our friends, or our own problems, or our past, or a book we're both reading, or religion, or anything. We can communicate on every level. And I think thats so important. Got that? lol. I'm dumb.
I worked today and it was really slow so I really didn't work at all. I read In Style with Brie and talked about stupid things. Sometimes, work can be fun. lol
Ihope this rain goes away soon though. I think it makes me unproductive.
Iheartweekends.
Mood: mellow
Music: "Tell Her what she wants to know"- GG sdtrk
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2006.05.12 17.20
I wish I could start each day with a little bit of Eric in the morning. Because my days are always so much better after I've seen him; even for just a little bit.
I'm begining to see less and less of a reason to come to school lately; I don't do anything in any period with the exception of 6th (Thanks Duchenes ) and you know, eric is out of school now. so it's very tempting to just stay home and go out with him all day. I havent yet. I'm good :)
Life has been good to me lately for the most part
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2006.05.10 18.07
I don't want to jinx it
I went to New York and Co. today avec ma mere and she let me spend an obscene amount of money on clothing. I shouldn't say "let", I should say insisted. So now I have more clothes. yay. lol Actually I only got three tops, a skirt and some underwear. But it was all very expensive. I don't like spending a lot of money on clothes. It makes me feel dirty and spoiled. lol Now I'm off to Eric's house to watch Sid and Nancy. :) hmmm yeah;its love. Or I'm just crazy.
Mood:  dirty
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2006.05.08 11.48
You probably don't want to read this :)
Tonight I'm going to get my hair cut. For some reason I'm nervous. I'm hoping that's not a bad sign.
Today is a VERY good day.
My 11 month anniversay is coming up in 3 days :) yay! It's weird having a bunch of memories with him from last year around this time because I've never dated anyone for this long a period. It's not a bad thing at all, actually, it's reassuring. As many times as he tells me he loves me and such, nothin compares to when he's planning stuff so that we'll be able to see eachother and talk to eachother when I go away to school. He's even signing up for the internet so that we'll be able to talk more and offering to drive up to salve on Fridays to take me home. I think that I wouldn't mind of he never said he loved me if he still did all that. Cuz it would be implied.
Last night we had a talk about What Ifs and some of it didn't sound so bad. Although it wouldnt be my first choice of a lifestyle, I don't think that it would be as horrible as I used to. In a way I'm kind of sad that it's not going to happen. But only in a completely post-incident way. It kind of makes me wish that I belived in reincarnation so that I could experience everything.
Superlatives came out today...it was kind of like a slap in the face about how much time we really have left.
Random entry? Sortof.
There's something like 17 more days left of school after tommorow...minus senior skip day...so that leaves...Lauren is going to be a slacker time.
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2006.05.06 07.11
eeew work today. Oh well. its beautiful out. I love it. And I'm going shopping after work. Theeen after that I wait for Eric to get out of work and we continue musical weekend. That's right. I'm making him watch all of my favorite musicals. Last night we watched A Chorus Line and partof Dirty Dancing and tonight we're finishing it then moving on first to Chicago and then to Cabaret. There's so many more I'd love to make him watch but he limited me to four. :(
I went to the new studio last night and it is awesome. I take pointe there and theres stairs leading up to the dance room and I felt all cool and phantomish cuz I ran up the stairs in my pointe shoes. If you don't remember the running up the stairs in pointe shoes thing in Phantom don't feel bad cuz I've probably seen that movie too many time for it to be healthy. Anyway theres two rooms for just hanging out in between classes, an office for Miss Ginny, 3 bathrooms, a coat room, a waiting room... it's amazing. I like it there.
After Allison and Liz got out of the SS AP yesterday we all went to Friendly's and ate choclate in the form of ice cream. I need to work on increacing my ice cream eating speed. At least to the point where it doesn't all melt on my halkf way through. lol
You know what cool is? You're lookin at it. oooh Carlito
Mood: cheerful
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2006.05.01 11.53
I'm sick, for like the 10th time this year. Ew. At least it's just a cold.
Maybe I'm just grumpy, but WTF some people really have high opinions of themselves. I've never really liked you, but now I kind of hate you. Cuz youre that damn self-centered.
I was all excited today and looking forward to goihg online and doing my room assignment stuff for Salve because the day you can start foing it was May 1st, or so I thought. It's actually May 2nd. Oh well. Tommorow! yay
Good: I have Chiropractor today aaaand i think I can get out of dance. So. I'm going to sleep. a lot.
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2006.04.27 13.14
Argh! WTF family? I hate to sound like a senior but I'm going to anyway: I'm leaving in August and NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS HOUSE EVER AGAIN.
So here's a little background on my family right now:
1. Kelsey has screwed up her life. The rest of my family is in ruins because of it. She is currently ignoring me b/c I refuse to lie for her and abed her disgusting slutty habits. SO parents on whose side? The trouble child's of course.
I take dance class with my sister once a week for two hours. The whole time she is there she ignores me and talks about me with her "Friends", or who ever she's talking to that week. Kelsey is planning on quitting the studio. So today, I asked my mother is Kelsey was still planning on quitting and if not could I go to thw studio she had found. I asked very politely because I know that usually works. However, I was answered with a "I don't know why u insist on treating your sister like this yada yada" talk.
Why I am treater HER like this? what?!? seriously. die mother. Theres nothing I could possibly say to make either of my parents think that Kelsey, with all of her shit that she talks and how much she abuses every single person in her family, could ever do anything wrong and DESERVE a punishment.
I once was grounded for a week for saying I hated soccer.
Kelsey has slept with SEVERAL boys, smoked, done drugs, gotten high, gotten drunk, is dating a wigger, and is generally a fucking bitch who ignores everyone in our family and has yet to be punished. Qu'est-ce que c'est?!?
On account of family drama being so intense this limo drama seems less intense. However, I personally feel that I will have a great time no matter who goes in the limo as long as Liz and Allison are there. And I'll actually be able to remember it :) STROBE LIGHTS!
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